Losing someone we love represents one of the most painful and difficult challenges we face as human beings. Our heart can be broken almost beyond repair by the loss of a parent, spouse, sibling, child, or close friend. Without diminishing the importance of our human relationships, even the loss of a beloved animal friend can be traumatic and leave lasting effects.
As human beings, we react to loss by a process referred to as “grief.” Another term is “bereavement.” These words describe the changes that take place within each of us in the aftermath of a catastrophic loss such as the death of a loved one.
A good deal is known about how we, as human beings deal, with loss. Researchers, such as Elizabeth Kubler Ross, (“On Death and Dying”) Allan Wolfelt (“The Wilderness Of Grief; Finding Your Way”) and authors such as Harold Kushner (“When Bad Things Happen to Good People”) have provided helpful guidance. However, at Park Bench Counselling Services, we strongly respect the uniqueness of each individual. No two people react in exactly the same way to loss. Every relationship and every situation is different.
Loss can evoke some powerful emotions that may, at times, be overwhelming.
Sometimes we experience an emotion called denial; the feeling that the person we lost is not really gone but only absent temporarily. We imagine them walking through the door at any moment. We wake up expecting our beloved spouse to be right next to us in bed, as they always have been, and feel shocked when we realize they are no longer there. We may at times even hear our loved one speaking to us, whether we are asleep or even awake, and turn to respond, thrilled to know they are okay. Many people experience the sudden desire to call the person who has died and share some important news, oblivious to the fact that they are no longer with us.
Loss can also trigger powerful feelings of anger, sometimes resulting in outbursts that would not normally occur. Angry emotions can sometimes be fuelled by the subconscious feeling of abandonment by the person we depended on for our emotional security.
Another emotion that is quite common, but less often talked about, is guilt. The grieving process itself can evoke terrible and crushing feelings of not having done enough to support or assist the person we lost while they were alive, or even to have been, in some obscure way, responsible for their passing. It is vitally important to support people who are dealing with guilty feelings during their bereavement as such feelings can cause agonizing distress, and lead to thoughts of self-harm or even suicide if unrecognized.
When grief is profound, such as occurs when a spouse of 50 years or more is suddenly gone, we may, for time, feel like there is no point to go on living. Such feelings can be overwhelming.
These and other powerful emotions are characteristic of the grieving process which challenges us in ways that almost nothing else in life does.
Although loss and the grieving experience associated with it can cause tremendous anguish, human beings have a remarkable ability for emotional healing. The key is not to try and do it alone.
The finality of death sometimes makes us want to curl up in a ball and hide ourselves away forever. This protective instinct is meant to shield us from any further pain when we are in the depths of despair. However, isolation is not what we need. What we do need is people; people who care about us and support us in our hour of greatest need. We need to talk, even when we feel like being silent. We need food, even though we have no appetite. We may need hugs, even when we don’t want to be touched. We very much need to find our way out of the darkest of places in order to gradually return to the light.
In many cases, the most painful, early stage of grief begins to subside around 6 to 8 months from the time of loss. Initially, feelings of loss and sadness may be with us all day every day. Gradually however, as the healing process gets underway, there may be periods of several hours when we begin to feel okay; when we can focus on other things in life and experience positive emotions. During this stage, the sun begins to shine again. However, it is very common during this time to experience “waves of grief” that come over us suddenly and sometimes without warning, like a tsunami. “Waves of grief” can be triggered by anything that reminds us of our loved one; a certain smell, a song, an article of clothing. The wave can bring with it any of the powerful emotions first experienced when the person passed away, including anger, fear, guilt, abandonment, or denial.
In some cases, people require much longer to recover. When grief lasts much longer than the usual timeframe, it is sometimes referred to as “pathological grief.” This refers to people who become emotionally and sometimes physically ill as a result of the grieving experience and can’t seem to get better. Such individuals require special care.
Counselling can sometimes be of value to those who are grappling with the loss of a loved one. In this context, counselling can be defined very broadly as all of those who provide solus and comfort to those dealing with loss; family members, friends and other loved ones, funeral directors, pastors, teachers, hair dressers, coaches, and others can, by their loving presence and supportive words, help to lessen the pain. Counselling in a more professional setting is also sometimes beneficial, given that counsellors have training and experience helping people to deal with the finality of loss.
Finally, without in any way minimizing the agony and distress brought about by the death of those we love, many people have expressed that dealing with loss and bereavement can help to deepen our understanding of the circle of life in ways that nothing else can. Most important of all, it is a reminder that nothing matters more than our relationships and the people who love us and whom we love.